Sometimes, the stars just don't align. Today was one of those days for our Diamondbacks—a frustrating 2-0 loss to the Chicago Cubs that felt less like a baseball game and more like a slow-motion train wreck. But before we dive into the box score, let's set the scene.

It's Kentucky Derby Day, which means the nation's eyes are on Churchill Downs. But here in Chicago, we had a different kind of race in mind—one that was supposed to start at 1:20 PM local time, because apparently, Lake Michigan's evening chill is too much for early-season baseball. So there we were, snakes in a horse race, trying to snap a string of disappointing losses against NL Central foes. Our task? Beat Shota Imanaga, the Cubs' ace with a sparkling 2.88 ERA, while relying on Ryne Nelson, who's been struggling to a 7.71 mark. Easy, right?

In keeping with last year's tradition, I thought I could at least give you a second annual horse-race recap. After all, when the game itself offers little to chew on, why not have a little fun? But the teams didn't exactly cooperate. Still, when you've been shut out, you need an outlet—a chance to let go of the reins, spit out the bit, and engage in some goofy, pointless horsing around. And since we were indeed pointless today, let's saddle up.

DING! We're off and running—except, well, we're not. You see, last year we were up against fillies (a type of horse, I'm told), but this morning, our opponents appear to be tiny bears. And as any nature enthusiast knows, bears are much closer to the ground and much more likely to devour snakes. That added a level of risk we didn't face in 2025, when the only danger was getting trampled. Which, of course, happened. And it seems our Snakes have become risk-averse, content to sun themselves in the paddock rather than slither onto the track.

All except Corbin Carroll, that is. He's apparently undaunted by the presence of bear cubs on the field. In the first inning, he snaked a ground ball up the first-base line for a two-out single, then slithered to second on an Imanaga wild pitch. But there he remained, stranded in the middle of the diamond track, surrounded by Cubs as the broadcast faded to black. And that, in a nutshell, was our day.